They say you are what you eat. The skinny pre-baby lady who lives in the depths of my soul has been badgering me as of late that she’d rather be a celery stick than a deluxe nacho platter for two. I say too bad that bitch doesn’t have hands because I do and they’re grabbing for carbs and a side of wine.

After some deep inner reflection (mostly because I spilled some chips down my shirt) I figured it was time to overhaul my nighttime munching and figure out what exactly my snacking meant.

Are you a little worried about what that nightly trip to raid the fridge is trying to reveal? Wonder no longer, because I have compiled a list of 10 examples of common midnight snacks and what they might say about you:

Part 1


A Tub of Ice Cream

It is deeply satisfying to eat a shit load of calories while watching skinny bitches on trashy TV reality shows. Nothing else makes a muffin top feel superior, so grab that spoon!


A Jar of Peanut Butter with a Fistful of Chocolate Chips Tossed In  

You just did the dishes for the third time today, and hot damn if you’re going to have another mess to deal with.


Old Halloween Candy

You are a sneaky ninja. Especially if that stash of Halloween candy has made it past the New Year. That stuff will rot your children’s teeth anyway, so really you are doing them a favor.


Chips and Salsa

Because you’re a lady and you eat proper snacks paired with the appropriate condiment after midnight.


Kids Cereal

Did your little monsters drive you especially nuts today? Well then, revenge is a bowl best served empty. Eat it all.


Roasted Cauliflower Bites

You either just started a diet you saw on Pinterest 45 minutes ago, or you are lying.


A Whole Bag of Chips

Because it is tough to set boundaries around snacking with your kids. So you should eat the whole bag while they are asleep. Obviously.



You know you have a problem when you are sneaking a slice of pizza both at midnight and the next morning for breakfast, while you lecture your kids on good nutrition habits as you serve them oatmeal.



You’re cheating on your caveman diet in the middle of the night, when no one is looking. You also plastered Facebook with the good news about how revolutionary eggplant and quinoa are for your muffin top, and didn’t mean a word of it.


Deep Fried

You’re stress eating because your kids drive you crazy. After chasing your spazzy progeny for nearly 12 hours the house is now trashed, you are exhausted, and the thought of sticking to a diet makes you feel stabby.


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